My exploration into meditation opened my eyes to formerly hidden aspects of myself. I was shocked to discover how undisciplined my mind was. I started with focusing on the breath, using breathing patterns. I was hard on myself for not being able to keep the unwanted thoughts at bay. Although, I re-dedicated myself to making meditation a regular practice, my efforts were sporadic at best. With three small children, quiet time was rare and excuses abundant.
With the move to Germany, came an awareness of Seasonal Affective Disorder. I rigged up a bank of full spectrum lights for my meditation nook. The lights were helpful and my practice became more regular. It also helped that my youngest children were attending kindergarten. My thoughts wandered, but I was learning to be kinder to myself and somewhat less judgmental. I was reading about unconditional love. It was humbling to acknowledge the assortment of conditions I had learned to attach to love.
I remember reading Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life and doing the exercises. There was one where you were to stand in front of a mirror, look into your eyes and sincerely say “I love you.” I couldn’t do it. I just stood there and bawled. It took years for me to be able to do that, but I got there. Those, who claimed to know, asserted that I would never be able to truly experience love if I did not have self-love.
That goes against the messages many women from my generation received. Our mostly unspoken indoctrination valued self-denial and earning love through service. I was still unreliable in my routine for my personal development, but when it came to Elsa - I was driven.
She was physically out of reach in Virginia, so I took the metaphysical route. I am a visual person and color shows up large in my world. The meditation that was most effective for me was one that involved color. It began at the root chakra, with red, and ascended the spectrum through violet into white light at the crown chakra. I did that meditation every day, dedicating it to Elsa.
I believed that love could transcend space and time. It was my intention to fill the color frequencies with images and sensations that Elsa would love. Throughout the day, I took note of little things to include in the next meditation. It was a great way to practice gratitude and mindfulness. I envisioned her drawing strength and energy from my daily offerings. I drew her a picture and sent it in one of my letters.
With the move to Germany, came an awareness of Seasonal Affective Disorder. I rigged up a bank of full spectrum lights for my meditation nook. The lights were helpful and my practice became more regular. It also helped that my youngest children were attending kindergarten. My thoughts wandered, but I was learning to be kinder to myself and somewhat less judgmental. I was reading about unconditional love. It was humbling to acknowledge the assortment of conditions I had learned to attach to love.
I remember reading Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life and doing the exercises. There was one where you were to stand in front of a mirror, look into your eyes and sincerely say “I love you.” I couldn’t do it. I just stood there and bawled. It took years for me to be able to do that, but I got there. Those, who claimed to know, asserted that I would never be able to truly experience love if I did not have self-love.
That goes against the messages many women from my generation received. Our mostly unspoken indoctrination valued self-denial and earning love through service. I was still unreliable in my routine for my personal development, but when it came to Elsa - I was driven.
She was physically out of reach in Virginia, so I took the metaphysical route. I am a visual person and color shows up large in my world. The meditation that was most effective for me was one that involved color. It began at the root chakra, with red, and ascended the spectrum through violet into white light at the crown chakra. I did that meditation every day, dedicating it to Elsa.
I believed that love could transcend space and time. It was my intention to fill the color frequencies with images and sensations that Elsa would love. Throughout the day, I took note of little things to include in the next meditation. It was a great way to practice gratitude and mindfulness. I envisioned her drawing strength and energy from my daily offerings. I drew her a picture and sent it in one of my letters.
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